The Most Important Tool Is Love

Realization

She looked so cute sitting up in bed, all clean, with her hair brushed and face freshly washed. She looked like a little girl, trying to tell mommy or daddy why she did what she did and she was having such a hard time coming up with a viable excuse. My eyes softened then, and my heart became so full of love for her. I saw at that very moment that she wanted so hard to please me. Oh, it wasn't me, of course, she really didn't know who I was anymore. Sometimes she'd call me nurse, and sometimes I was "Kay" her last caregiver, and sometimes she'd call just "hey you." But she wanted to please me, like she would anyone. She was so dependent upon the charity of others, so completely helpless.

She noticed then that my face had softened, and that my eyes had changed. The stern look was gone, replaced now with love and shining so brightly to see her sweet struggle. I smiled, with just a hint of laughter in my eyes. She studied me for the longest time, and then she looked very puzzled. She started to form the words and she finally answered my question, with a question of her own.

"Do you like me?" she asked.

"No mom, I don't 'like' you, I love you, I love you very much!"

"You do?" she said.

"Yes momma, I love you so much!"

I got up and went to the bed and sat down beside her. I held her tiny little hand and brushed her hair back with my fingers. A smile lit up her frail face, and you could tell she was truly happy that someone cared for her. I sat there for a while and held her hand, and told her that she meant the world to me. All she really said was she was "so glad."

I moved my chair next to the bed and held her hand for a while and we watched cartoons together. She seemed at peace just to watch the TV for a change. I don't think she ever really watched it, it was just background or distraction.

"Many times I fondly look back to that day, to the day when I found out the secret to caregiving"

So we sat there watching a Road Runner cartoon as if it were the current James Bond movie, and we laughed together. As I walked into the kitchen to fix mom's lunch and my breakfast, I noticed the birds in the backyard for the first time and how bright the sun was. I worked undisturbed in the kitchen for more than 20 minutes and managed finally to get the sheets into the dryer. I brought in mom's lunch tray and said, "I'll get my lunch and we'll have lunch together, in here." Mom replied with a "That's nice, dear," and we had a fantastic lunch and it turned out to be a very wonderful day.

Looking Back

That was four years ago, and mom's gone now. But many times I fondly look back to that day, to the day when I found out the secret to caregiving. You can get all kinds of pills. Some for depression, and some for anger, some for anxiety, and others for sleep. Pills for psychosis and pills for hallucinations and aggressive behavior. But the most important pill of all is love. Love does more than make the "world go around," it makes life manageable, and sometimes, bearable. When all else fails, try love, and a little kindness. Sometimes it's the only medicine that works. Sometimes it's the only medicine you'll ever need.

I know firsthand how very difficult it is to care for someone you love with Alzheimer's or dementia. Every case ­ every person ­ is different and so each situation has its own set of difficulties. But I'm a firm believer in love. That spring day convinced me of that.

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